Tania

So I was at my naturopath’s today. I have been seeing her for about 5 years now and she is amazing. I love a doctor that teaches me about life, health, and balance from a very accepting and peaceful way. She has done more for my well-being than any other Western-based modality has done for me in my life. In between trying to regulate my adrenal glands, nervous system, and “broken” heart, we have time to talk about life and higher purpose.

I AM DONE PLANNING

I told her all about my quit happy plan and how I was not going to be creating a plan for vitamins and homeopathy as scheduled because I was tired of the LIST of things I needed to do to be happy. We talked about life and how I was afraid to get happy and quit everything that I loved when it got real. And just as my story was getting good, she stopped me and said, “Tania, whose voice is that?” WTF did I now have multiple personalities too? “What do you mean?” I asked.

As She Sees Me

She explained, “Tania, I have watched you grow as a source of inspiration for me. You accept life on life terms while your soul fights for truth. You have accepted yourself in all your messiness better than most. But every time you get to this point of transformation, you start to second guess yourself and your intuition. So I have to ask you again, whose voice is it that tells you that you don’t try hard enough or know what you want. And even more scary, who voice tells you that you don’t want to be happy?”

She Killed My Dramatic Re-entrance into Martyrdom

Wow, talk about a good story killer!! She ended with, “Whoever’s voice that is, whether it’s from your past or in your world, say thank you to that person for creating an awareness and a time to reflect but you need to say good-bye and let that voice die because it no longer holds your power.”

The Done and Did It List

And then she said, “Make a list of everything that you have done in the last week and what your plans are for next week.” Okay here’s the list: Had a ton of visits with friends, had BBQ’s, went out for supper, walked my dogs, went to yoga, had my nails done, went to a few night clubs, took my kids to the park, the bookstore, out for ice cream, watersliding, science world, to visit my sister, swimming, rode my bike with my dogs, hung out with my cousin, helped a lot of people, prayed a lot, wrote a ton, read a ton, and even watched an episode of Cribs (ok, half an episode). And next week it’s the lake with the kids and off to Vancouver to sit on the beach with my youngest son.”

Matching Feelings to Real Experience is Reality

She then asked me how I felt when I was doing these things. So I told her this story about being at the park and how I forgot to wonder if people were judging me and I forgot to feel bad that I couldn’t give my kids the life I dreamed about with two parents watching them play. Seriously, it was the best day of my life! I had to phone my Mom and tell her all about how all my dreams came true.

The Mind Might Race Like a Hare but It Never Truly Wins

The Dr. reminded me that sometimes the mind hasn’t caught up to the body’s experiences because we are used to fantasizing about the happiness we want. And then a little tendril of a voice pops in and reminds us that we don’t know what we want or perhaps, what we crave now is very different than the original plan we had for our life in the first place.

The moral of my story? Sometimes happiness just creeps in when we are busy trying to plan for that day in the future and these little voices in our heads try to imprison us into being who we used to be when in fact we haven’t been that person for a very long time, if ever.